A Guide to BDSM for Beginners and what you need to buy | Exoticalife

If you're into some playful experiences in the bedroom, then you've probably heard of BDSM. But what exactly is it? And how should you get started? At Exotica Life, we have many items that can be used during a BDSM session, and we encourage everyone to explore their sex life in a fun and safe manner. This article will uncover what BDSM has to offer and how you can get started.

What does BDSM mean?

BDSM is an acronym that stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism. The best way to enjoy all that BDSM offers is to fully understand what each activity relates to and how to do it safely. Many people will think of BDSM as kinky, but it is actually a controlled activity, where all partners agree about what will happen and what the rules are. During any activity, either partner can 'tap out' and cease what is happening.

 A few examples of BDSM can include wearing collars and then being treated like an animal, being tied up and spanked, allowing yourself to be treated like a sex slave. Usually, a BDSM act will involve a mild use of pain, which is followed by pleasure. BDSM is usually a part of foreplay, and it may lead to sex. There is rarely any sex occurring during a BDSM session.

Using safe words in BDSM

All BDSM acts are completed mutually, and most activities are discussed beforehand. These are not scripted, but rather the scenario is discussed, and then both partners (or more) will play out a particular role. The roles you take on all depend on what you and your partner prefer.

Before starting, you should agree on a safe word. Your safe word should not be something that you may not ordinarily say in conversation. Some popular words used as safe words include 'pineapple' and 'teddy bears', but the choice is entirely yours to make. Once a safe word is spoken, both parties are agreed to cease immediately, and the act is finished until the problem is sorted out.

Using the traffic light system during BDSM

If you're new to BDSM and are still working out what each of you enjoys, you can use the traffic light system. This system works just like the streetlights:

 

  • RED - for when you want things to stop, or you no longer consent to what is happening
  • AMBER/YELLOW - when you want to slow down a little. Use it when anything is starting to be uncomfortable and to communicate where your limits are.
  • GREEN - to let your partner know that you're enjoying what is happening and they can keep going.

Safe words and traffic lights are a great way to safely explore what you enjoy. But, if your partner says 'no' or 'stop', you should cease what you're doing and figure out what is happening.

Getting consent for BDSM

It's important to note that what you enjoy, your partner may not feel the same. Therefore, consent in any sex act is essential. The easiest way to get consent is to discuss your feelings and what you'd like to explore. Even though you may want to walk around on your hands and knees and be spanked with a paddle, it doesn't mean that your partner is feeling the same way. Discussing what you want and letting them understand your desires is the best way forward and a huge part of any healthy sex life.

 

If your partner is not that into it, suggest some lighter parts of BDSM and see how they feel. Exploring your sexuality should be enjoyable for both partners. You can start with items that are designed for fun, like restraints, masks, and whips & paddles.

General themes for BDSM

There are many themes for BDSM. Generally, one partner controls the situation, and the other performs the acts or is told what to do. These are known as the dominant (master) and submissive (slave).

Bondage and Sex Toys

If you haven't tried bondage before, you can find many examples all over the internet. Watching some videos can give you a good feel for what bondage is about. When starting, bondage can be simply the act of holding someone hand, and it does not need to involve restraints. As you get more comfortable with each other, you can introduce light restraints such as a looped scarf and play-acting. Over time you'll uncover what you both prefer and decide on how far you'd like to explore the game.

Playing the Dominant

While being the dominant may seem like the more fun part, it is more difficult as you are in charge of what your partner gets to experience. So, you'll need to be attentive and slowly develop into the role where eventually you'll ultimately know what your partner is seeking.

Playing the Submissive

The submissive is playing a role of trust and learning. Ideally, you are releasing yourself and allowing your partner to drive the narrative. Some of the pleasure will come from not knowing what your partner is doing and being excited by where the action will go. A submissive should guide the dominant through hints and questions about how they are doing and help lead the dominant into what makes you feel good.

The final word on BDSM

In most BDSM experiences, partners will take turns being dominant or submissive. By acting in both roles, each partner can fully experience all that BDSM has to offer. While it may appear, the dominant has the power in the relationship, what happens is most often led by the submissive. Finally, after each outing, you can discuss what happened and how things made you feel. Your discussion doesn't need to be formal or calculated, but a simple talk, such as 'I liked it when…', or 'I didn't like…' will be good enough. With an open relationship, you can thoroughly explore everything that BDSM can offer. And remember to make sure you're having fun!

At ExoticaLife, we have a large assortment of items to support people interested in BDSM at any level. You can find all you need in our online store.